NFL Reorganization - The Misery Index

Recently, I proposed a method of reorganizing the divisions of the NFL predicated on the fact that the sports world was in a major flux making it a great time for change. Though some sports have begun their return to semi-regularity, the sports world is still not completely back on its feet, and the opportunity for reorganization is still there. I’ll be the first to admit it, my previous reorganization idea was pretty frivolous. I mean mascots? That’s what we’re going to come out of the gate with? I can do better than that.

I had been floating other reorganization ideas for a while when it hit me. I was having my standard, morning shower cry about the fact that my team, the Detroit Lions, hasn’t seen a playoff win since before I was born, when I realized that I could solve that. If the Lions had more chances to make the playoffs, they would have more chances at success, and how will I get them to the playoffs more? Give them more chances to win their division, of course. Thus, was born the idea for this reorganization: The Socialist Reorganization. As is well documented, Socialists only care about two things: making everyone a gay, pot-smoking person of color, and giving everyone a fair chance.

As such, the method for this reorganization relies on determining which NFL franchises have faced the most sorrow and which have seen the most success. To do this, I came up with the Measurement of Invariable Success or Endless Ruin Yearly or the “MISERY” number for each team. The MISERY number takes into account statistical values such as Win%, Simple Rating System (SRS, defined as team quality relative to the average of that year), Point Differential, Division Titles, Playoff Wins, and Super Bowl appearances, as well as outside factors such as years in the league and players that made the NFL Top 100. The reasoning for the statistical numbers is obvious, I was targeting measurements that represented winning, but also represented fan happiness or misery. As for years in the league, I took every value from just the Super Bowl era, as pre-Super Bowl the league looked a lot different and simply wouldn’t be fair to count. However, for the teams that came about post-1966, it was not fair that they were being judged on things like Super Bowl wins with 30 less chances to make one, so I weighted their numbers slightly. Finally, for the NFL100 players I figure that sometimes as a fan you love watching your team because of that one player that makes things special, even if the team isn’t actually winning. For me that was Calvin Johnson, who I want to note somehow was left off the NFL100 list, which I consider to be the greatest act of terrorism on American soil since Pearl Harbor. All of these numbers were weighted in their own way to put them on footing that represented how much they mean to the happiness of the fanbase and success of the franchise (i.e. Super Bowls are weighted more heavily than division titles).

Now that we have the boring math stuff out of the way, let’s look at the final numbers and how that plays out in determining the divisions.

The higher the score, the more successful a team has been in their history, and the top four teams are really no surprise. For reference, the highest possible theoretical score is just under 100, though that would come with a Win% of 100% and equally ridiculous stats in other categories, so no one was expected to come close. The lowest theoretical score is actually sub-zero, but only barely, so let’s just say the scale is 0-100.

The GOAT Division:

These teams are the greatest in NFL history, their fans have been treated to winning season after winning season, a plethora of division titles, and plenty of Super Bowls.

Pittsburgh Steelers (MISERY Score: 22.069): Coming in with the highest score is the Steelers. Tied for the most NFL100 players (7), division titles (23) and Super Bowls (6) in NFL history, to go along with a Win% of almost 60% proves that fans in Pittsburgh have nothing to complain about. I strongly considered dropping them a couple points for most horrific uniforms to look at, but decided that wasn’t the most fair criteria.

Dallas Cowboys (21.214): In every statistical category, America’s team actually edges out the Steelers. But the Bees have one more Super Bowl, and that was enough to drop the ‘Boys to second place. Still, the Cowboys have division crowns, 50 playoff wins, and plenty of Super Bowls, which I’m sure anyone over the age of 35 loved watching. Seriously, how are the Cowboys still this high when they’re barely going .500 in a division with the Giants and Washington?

New England Patriots (21.042): Twenty years ago, the Patriots would’ve been lucky to come in above average, but I do not have a time machine, so I am not writing this article in 2000. On the backs of Tom Brady, Bill Belichick, a camera, and an air pump, the Patriots have skyrocketed to a MISERY number of 21 and given their fans two decades of pure bliss.

San Francisco 49ers (19.311): The ever-consistent Niners round out the top division, coming as no surprise since they seem to make the Super Bowl at least once a decade and are tied for the second most titles of all time. Those titles come with no thanks to Jimmy G, though he would add some points to their score if I were grading by how hot the players were. Seriously, dude is a certified smoke show.

The Elite:

It actually worked out pretty well that there’s a decent drop in score from fourth to fifth, because The Elite are not the best of the best but are undeniably very successful franchises. It’s like if Klay Thompson were an NFL franchise.

Las Vegas Raiders (15.207): Dubbing them with Las Vegas is a bit misleading for the article since everything is referencing the past, but the team new to Sin City has a storied history no matter where they’ve been located. The Raiders have decent stats to their name, but what really put them over the top is a record eight players in the NFL100. Unfortunately, the team now has to deal with one of the best players of all time for the next ten years, so let’s check back in on their score in a decade.

Green Bay Packers (14.842): The Packers being this low is actually a bit pitiful. They’ve rostered an MVP quarterback for over two decades and just two championships in that time. They had the biggest head start of all time, winning the first two Super Bowls ever, and then did nothing with it. This doesn’t change the fact that Aaron Rodgers has still dominated and led his team to multiple division titles and playoff wins in his time in Green Bay, all we can really do at this point is pray that Jordan Love sucks.

Denver Broncos (13.638): What’s greater: The Broncos MISERY score or the size in inches of Peyton Manning’s forehead when he played here? My bet is on the forehead, but hey you can look like whatever you want when you bring a city their third Super Bowl and save them from Tim Tebow.

Indianapolis Colts: (12.288) Seems like there’s a decent connection between having Peyton Manning play for you and having a high score. If I ever buy an NFL franchise I know what my first move will be. Realistically, Manning is actually highly responsible for the Colts score as he brought them their only two Super Bowls and multiple division titles. Too bad they couldn’t draft a legitimate successor with a glorious neck beard…

The Good:

The Good are just that, nothing more nothing less. If you’re a fan of these teams you may not be watching them win constantly, but you can win debates with 13-year olds on Twitter because of “that decade we ran shit” or something.

Miami Dolphins (11.587): Tank for Tua may return the Dolphins to their former glory, but I’m guessing Brady leaving New England will have a larger impact. Still, Miami fans do have two Super Bowls to their fandom and can win almost any argument about “best quarterback to never (insert major quarterback accomplishment)”, so that counts for something.

Los Angeles Rams (11.088): Success aside, Rams fans have suffered due to the multiple relocations they’ve seen. Honestly, that’s just not fair and maybe it should be accounted for. If you want it to be accounted for in this article, text “IMACRYBABY” to 69696. If you want the Rams to have more than one Super Bowl, tell them to find a way to score more than three points in one. If you want one of the new Rams jerseys, go see an optometrist. Wait, how are the Rams this high again? By all non-statistical measures, being a fan of them seems terrible. Yikes.

Washington Football Team (10.757): If you’ve been a fan of this racist team, this article wasn’t for you. I can’t quantify how miserable of a person you must be to support a team with a slur for a name. Luckily for the rest of us with a moral compass, money talks and people finally bullied FedEx enough to bully the Washington team enough to change it.

New York Giants (10.274): For some reason, the Giants just seem like they should be low on this list. I don’t get it; I mean does anything that special stand out about them? They have a negative point differential and SRS, and only eight division titles in history. They lucked into a couple championships this century – one of which on the back of a 9-7 season somehow – and I guess that was good enough to sneak them into The Good division. Wild.

The Average:

We’ve hit the middle of the road here. Technically still in the upper half of the league, the average MISERY score of every team was about 9.5, and these teams fall right around that. Welcome to the land of sometimes it’s good, sometimes it’s bad.

Kansas City Chiefs (9.422): This is the only list you will read for a long time that lists the Chiefs as average, but it’s true. They finally ended their 50-year Super Bowl drought, but in that span they only won 12 playoff games and took home 10 division titles. They do still have positive SRS, PD, and Win% scores and with Mahomes around to terrorize the league, their fans will only get less and less miserable.

Baltimore Ravens (9.266): The Ravens show up as the first team on the list to have not been around since the Super Bowl era. This does help their score, but also proves teams like this deserved to be weighted. God, I’m so smart. You know who else is smart? The Ravens front office. In their short history they’ve done well enough to capture two Super Bowls and placed themselves solidly in contention for more. Plus, they have an incredible 50.792 point differential (3rd in the league) and 3.07 SRS (3rd as well), which is more than respectable. Now this is a DMV area team you should get behind.

Philadelphia Eagles (8.571): The Eagles wasted a top draft pick on a British royalty reject and then were saved by Big Dick Nick, lucky for them as that Super Bowl win is undoubtedly what puts them ahead of a few other teams on this list and into The Average category. But for a team that sits in a division with the Washington Football Team and the Giants and can barely break 0.500 on the season, even average might be a little too gracious.

Seattle Seahawks (8.268): Might as well call this bird division 2.0, as we round out The Average Division with our third bird in the category. The Seahawks have had an impressive last decade, but thanks to Malcolm Butler only came away with one title from it. Prior to the Russel Wilson era, Seattle wasn’t bad, more so just eh, which makes them perfect for this division.

The Slightly Below:

These are the teams that are close to regular success. You can probably pretty easily think of times, or even eras, where they’ve been among the regular playoff contenders, but you can also think of the times they’ve been downright bad. Unfortunately, the bad outweighs the good here slightly, but it’s close.

Chicago Bears (7.996): Da Bears are one of the oldest franchises in the league and had very early success in the league, but only ever captured one league title in the Super Bowl era and don’t crack 20 playoff wins in their history. Years of Cutler will do that for you, and luckily for the rest of the league we can expect to laugh at Chicago for (hopefully) years to come with Trubisky under center.

Minnesota Vikings (6.572): The NFC North not showing up too strong on this list, but this was a surprise to me. The Vikings have been playoff contenders for many years, yet they have less than a 50% Win%, negative SRS, and negative PD. They are the highest team on the list with no Super Bowl wins, though, likely because they’ve been there more than a couple times, boosting their playoff win total, even if they have totally sucked every time they got there.

Los Angeles Chargers (6.227): The Chargers are the last team you’ll read about in this article to have both a positive SRS and PD, but that’s not enough to drag them higher than The Slightly Below division since they were never able to fully capture the magic of Philip Rivers, Antonio Gates, Ladanian Tomlinson, Keenan Allen, Melvin Gordon… you get the idea. Maybe Herbert is the answer?

Tennessee Titans (6.199): If there was any team that I could have 100% expected them to be in a division and been right, it’d be the Titans. Slightly Below fits them perfectly, they’ve rarely been the worst of the worst in the league, almost never been at the top of the ladder, and usually can get kind of close to a playoff berth. Their all-time Win% of 47.8% reflects that perfectly, just below average. Shout out to the Titans for being predictable.

The Bad:

We’ve hit the point in the rankings where we can comfortably call these franchises’ histories downright bad. Some of seen mild flashes of success, but largely their fans are not incredibly excited when a new NFL season rolls around. Don’t worry, though, it could be worse, you’ll see.

Buffalo Bills (5.829): I anticipate a few Bills fans reading this, so let me say this clearly: your team lost four straight Super Bowls. In an entire presidential term, your football team had four chances to win the title and failed each time. Want me to make it worse? Those runs would each account for three playoff wins, making the total over four years 12. Your franchise has 20 total. Those four years are the only thing that stand in between the Bills and having the third worst MISERY score in the league. Ready for the real kicker? Josh Allen isn’t going to help increase your score. Oh, also, you live in Buffalo.

Carolina Panthers (5.687): There isn’t a ton to say about the Panthers as they have one of the shortest histories in the league, but in that time, they’ve been able to maintain a close to 50% Win%, only slightly negative SRS, and have made a couple Super Bowl runs. That’s not bad. Unfortunately, the weighting I did to account for lost time can’t entirely make up for just 6 division titles and 13 playoff wins.

Cleveland Browns (5.297): The Browns somehow escape with a score of 5.297, mostly due to their early success if you could call it that. Across the board, there’s not much interesting to discuss. They are below average in every category, with an especially abysmal PD of -41 and also not a single NFL100 player. Okay, I’m ready to be done talking about a team whose logo is a helmet.

New Orleans Saints (5.071): What?! The Saints? THE Saints!? Yes, my very surprised friend, the New Orleans Saints come in with a MISERY score of just above 5, off the back of only eight division titles and 11 playoff wins. Before any Saints fan starts talking about how they should have a few more over the past couple of years, consider this: nobody cares. You got a monumental rule changed in the league because of your incessant whining and then got your ass kicked by Kirk Cousins the following year. Hang it up, man. Just focus on your whiny slant-route runner and anti-BLM, 5’3” quarterback sweeping the Falcons this year.

The Terrible:

We’re getting into true misery territory with The Terrible division. These teams know little happiness aside from quick flashes of brilliance.

New York Jets (5.063): The Jets have been plagued in recent history with having to compete with Tom Brady and the Patriots year in and year out and have been pained throughout most of their history with being named after planes because they’re near an airport. They’re lucky they were able to secure a Super Bowl, because they only have four division titles to speak of. Not great.

Atlanta Falcons (4.963): Speaking of quick flashes, enter the Atlanta Falcons. Remember when they drafted Brett Favre and traded him after one season? Or when they had Michael Vick and he, well, you know. Or how about when they had an MVP season from their franchise quarterback alongside one of the best wide receivers of all time, got ahead 25 points in the Super Bowl and then, well, again you know. Rough run for them.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers (4.639): The Bucs are the final team on this list to have a Super Bowl win in their history, which is… surprising. I mean, they joined the league ten years after Super Bowl I, have just nine playoff wins in their whole history, six division titles, and an abysmal -54 PD. On top of all that, they have the absolute worst Win% of the history of the NFL, with the only number that dips below 40% at 38.7%. By all meaningful metrics, the Bucs franchise has been nothing short of pathetic, and yet they have a Super Bowl. Idk man.

Cincinnati Bengals (4.407): If I had to venture a guess, I honestly would have put the Bengals lower than this, but they did have some decent teams in their history, good enough to propel them to 10 division titles. Despite that, they’ve only come away with 10 playoff wins, thanks in part to holding the current longest playoff win drought. Can that drought end with Burrow? Some (read: my friend Bradley) are saying yes.

The Miserable:

We have finally reached it, the pinnacle of this article. These are the teams that have simply never known happiness. It has been a tough existence for them and even tougher for their fans. If you know a fan of any of these teams, reach out to them, see if they’re okay. I promise you they’re not.

Houston Texans (4.015): The Texans are the youngest team in the league, so it’s no surprise their MISERY score is pretty low. Despite their short time, they’ve managed to secure six division titles, but only four playoff wins, a sub .500 Win% and negative SRS and PD aren’t helping their case. Just think of what could’ve been if they kept Brock Osweiler… oh well, I’m sure they can find success now with a great young quarterback and one of the best receivers in the league a washed, injured running back.

Jacksonville Jaguars (3.840): It’s hard to feel bad for a team that gets to have Gardner Minshew under center for the next two decades – I mean surely he will lead them to a Super Bowl soon as the best young quarterback in the league – but still their metrics aren’t great. They’re really not awful either, 44% Win%, -1.894 SRS, -23 PD, but in their short history they’ve only captured three division crowns and eight playoff wins, keeping their MISERY score only just above four. I see a bright, mustached, jorts-y future for the team, though.

Arizona Cardinals (3.247): Absolutely nobody in the league gets outscored like the team in Arizona. They have the only point differential that reaches the 60s, positive or negative, at -68. As you can imagine, this does not help their score very much. What also doesn’t help their score is losing Super Bowls, but at least the run gave them some playoff wins..? Honestly, I don’t have a ton more to say about the Cardinals, they’ve fielded good teams and have a decent organization, they just haven’t put it together yet in their shortened history, but I think as long as they have a quarterback taller than 5’6” they’ll be fine.

Detroit Lions (1.709): Finally, we have arrived. Yes, I had to write this entire article, shit on countless teams, all while knowing that at the very bottom of the pile would be my very team. It’s not unexpected really, everyone knows the Lions have struggled, though I wasn’t sure they would be dead last. But they are. The Lions are the only team to post a MISERY score less than two, in fact, they’re the only one to post a score of less than three, with an abysmal 1.709. Partially due to the fact that the other three teams in The Miserables all have a shortened history by no less than 20 years, but the Lions have been in it since day one and have seen less success. Just three division titles, four playoff wins, a Win% just under 42%, negative SRS and PD, and just one NFL100 player, Lions fans are the definition of sports misery. I would know.

There are your eight MISERY based, equally distributed divisions. For your sake, I hope you didn’t have to scroll too far to find your team, but if you did, maybe the Rock will bring the XFL back and you can try again! Go New York Guardians!

Written By: Nick Schramm (@godschrammit on Twitter)