If you’re like me – meaning painfully online - then on Sunday you saw every football adjacent account tweet something along the lines of “We are only TEN SUNDAYS away from football! 🙌🏻” with a gif of Russel Wilson pumping his fist or Drake clapping. And if you’re like me then seeing that gave you an embarrassing amount of serotonin. Happy brain chemicals are a rarity as we are in the dog days of sports fandom with regular season baseball as our only saving grace. But, as a 25 year old dude it is nearly impossible to see football is coming back and NOT want to rank quarterbacks. It has been well documented that I have a big dumb brain and ranking things are one of the few ways I can make sense of the chaos. So, I’m going to do just that. Here are my rankings of the expected starters for all 32 teams.

(NOTE: Deshaun Watson is a predator. If there is any sense of morality left in Roger Goodell’s office then that man will not be playing football this year. Baker has also played his last down for the Browns. I am moving forward under the assumption that Jacoby Brissett will be under center Week 1.)

32-25. This portion is reserved for the Bad, the Young, and the Unproven. There are a few guys in here that may make a leap this year and find themselves much higher at the end of the season. There are guys in here that could very well be out of the league next year. I live for the bottom of the rankings.

32. Sam Darnold (2021 Stats: 2527 yards, 59.9% completion%, 9 TDs, 13 INTs)

Darnold wont be the starter come week 9. Matt Coral may not be the future but he’s a lot better than this big headed muppet.

31. Daniel Jones (2021 Stats: 2428 Yards, 64.3% completion%, 10 TDs, 7 INTs)

Danny Dimes? More Like Danny Limes the way watching him play quarterback makes my face scrunch up. *Insert throwing tomatoes gif* Daniel Jones does not deserve to be a starting QB. I am not sure he deserves to be in the league. The Giants would be better off starting 49 year old Kerry Collins. Trotting Daniel Jones out there again is cosmic punishment for the Giants stumbling ass backwards into TWO championships.

30. Drew Lock (2021 Stats: 787 Yards, 60.4% completion%, 2 TDs, 2 INTs)

Coming off a very promising 2019 campaign, Lock seemingly regressed in the Covid year 2020 and then struggled to stay healthy in ’21. He was dealt to Seattle in the Dangeruss deal, and is competing for the starting gig with Geno fucking Smith. I think Lock wins the opening day job and holds on for the season barring injury. This is a big time prove it year, and he’s got the WR corps to help him do just that.

29. Justin Fields (2021 Stats: 1870 Yards, 58.9% completion%, 7 TDs, 10 INTs)

Full hater take: I am all the way out on Justin Fields. In fact, I was never IN on him. As a packer fan I was ecstatic when the Bears took him, a rival team wasting the foreseeable future waiting for a guy to pan out who never will, for the umpteenth time. Delicious.

28. Jacoby Brissett (2021 Stats: 1283 Yards, 62.7% completion%, 5 TDs, 4 INTs)

Jacoby Brissett is the church wafer of quarterbacks. No I wont explain.

27. Marcus Mariota (2021 Stats: He threw 2 passes. Nothing to see here.)

Mariota is back in the starting saddle after backing up Derek Carr the last few seasons. He has some good weapons around him (Pitts, Patterson) but their WR corps is underwhelming and unproven. Drake London has a chance to be a very good NFL wide receiver, and his development as the season goes on will be directly correlated to Mariota’s play and comfort within the Falcons system.

26. Mitch Trubisky (2021 Stats: N/A: Too busy kissin tittiessss)

All aboard the Mitch bandwagon. This is the guy to buy low and sell high on, he will finish the season much higher on this list and I think he holds onto the job for the entire season. Baby hands Pickett will ride the pine until Mitch moves on to greener pastures. (For legal reasons you cannot come back on dunk on me for this take if Mitch stinks. My lawyer says so.)

25. Davis Mills (2021 Stats: 2664 Yards, 66.8% completion%, 16 TDs, 10 INTs)

Davis Mills made the best of a horrid situation and showed that he belonged under center. Not a ton to say about him, hoping that he takes a further leap and solidifies himself as a good starter in the league.

24-15. The middle of the pack is made up of just what you would expect: Solid starters and young guys on the cusp of taking the leap into the next tier. Most of these guys are firmly where I expect them to be at the end of the season.

24. Jared Goff (2021 Stats: 3245 Yards, 67.2% completion%, 19 TDs, 8 INTs)

The premier game manager, Goff is suddenly surrounded by very good weapons, a solid defense, and a coach hungry for success (and knees). I think the Lions have a real shot at fighting for a Wild Card berth and all Goff has to do is not turn the ball over and actively hurt the team.

23. Zach Wilson (2021 Stats: 2334 Yards, 55.6% completion%, 9 TDs, 11 INTs)

Every offseason the Jets are perpetually on the verge of breaking out and shocking the league. They are Schrödinger’s ball club (yes I stole the bit from PFT. Imitation is the highest form of flattery. Or laziness). Zach Wilson had a stinky dump of a rookie season marred by injuries and poor decision making. But the numbers don’t tell the whole story and there are many highlights that make you think “that boi nice” for sure. He is the biggest question mark for me from that rookie class, and I think the Jets have made moves that will benefit Zach in the long run.

22. Trevor Lawrence (2021 Stats: 3641 Yards, 59.6% completion%, 12 TDs, 17 INTs)

Piss poor decision making, a coach that could only be described as unhinged, and back to back number 1 picks are what Lawrences rookie season will be remembered for. I am still a staunch believer and think he will exceed the hype he had coming in as the #1 pick. The hair is too immaculate for him not to be a legend (and if he sucks again this season, he can cut it and market it as a fresh start. Bang, short hair Lawrence buys himself 2 more seasons starting).

21. Tua Tagovailoa (2021 Stats: 2653 Yards, 67.8% Completion%, 16 TDs, 10 INTs)

Tua saw measured improvement across the board, the kind of incremental improvement that you can point to and say “he will only be better in ’22.” And I think he will. He’s now LOADED with weapons, a wiz kid for a coach, and another offseason to get stronger and healthier. I think Tua will prove a lot of haters wrong and the Dolphins will be competitive.

20. Jimmy Garoppolo (2021 Stats: 3810 Yards, 68.3% completion%, 20 TDs, 12 INTs)

Will Jimmy G be the starter on opening day? I think so. Should he be? Maybe not. Trey Lance is a very intriguing prospect and I don’t think they keep him on the bench much longer. They need to see what they have in Lance and moving Jimmy is the most logical solution. They likely will hold on to him and wait for an injury riddled team to come knocking early in the season. Until then, he’s not going to win you many if any games, but he wont lose you many games either.

19. Carson Wentz (2021 Stats: 3563 Yards, 62.4% completion%, 27 TDs, 7 INTs)

The numbers will tell you that Wentz is coming off a very solid season and the commanders fans should be stoked to have him under center. In reality – Wentz is a talented player who can’t get out of his own way and has not led a team to sustained success despite having a ring. I think that he has the ability to lead his team to the playoffs, but he has to stay healthy and avoid costly mistakes at pivotal moments.

18. Ryan Tannehill (2021 Stats: 3734, 67.2% completion%, 21 TDs, 14 INTs)

Hand up. I’m a bigger Tannehill fan than most. He looked abysmal at times last year but I blame play-calling and lack of chemistry with his receivers. Nick Westbrook-Ikhine will be taking on a bigger role in the Titans offense (shout out @FirstTDBets on twitter) and they still have King Henry lining up behind Tannehill opening up the passing game and keeping the defense honest.

17. Matt Ryan (2021 Stats: 3968 Yards, 67% Completion%, 20 TDs, 12 INTs)

A change of scenery will be just what the doctor ordered for Matty Ice in the twilight of his career. Some shiny new weapons, an elite running back, and solid offensive line, the pieces are there for Matt to lead the colts to an AFC South title.

16. Mac Jones (2021 Stats: 3801 Yards, 67.6% Completion%, 22 TDs, 13 INTs)

Many will argue that Mac is a system quarterback. That if you put him on the Commanders he’s a bottom of the barrel QB. Those people are idiots. Mac Jones is sick and I would not be shocked to see him take a huge leap this season.

15. Jameis Winston (2021 Stats (injured): 1170 Yards, 59% completion%, 14 TDs, 3 INTs)

Jameis is not a good person. He is funny to watch play quarterback and sometimes very good. Both of these things are unfortunately true. That’s all I have to say about that.

14-10. The good-could-be-great-if-they-could-put-it-together-tier

14. Jalen Hurts (2021 Stats: 3144 Yards, 61.3% completion%, 16 TDs, 9 INTs)

Jalen Hurts is sick as hell and a very real dual threat. He catches a lot of hate (similar to Tua) but he puts up numbers and I think is a good quarterback. The flaws are absolutely there and here in year 3 I hope to see a lot of that rectified, and I think it will.

13. Kirk Cousins (2021 Stats: 4221 Yards, 66.3% completion%, 33 TDs, 7 INTs)

You close your eyes to fall asleep after watching Kirk Cousins stink it up on Sunday night football. You drift off to sleep, suddenly you hear “you like that?”. Your eyes snap open, standing over you is Kirk Cousins holding a bible asking you if you have time to hear about our lord and savior. He’s a weirdo but Kirk is borderline elite in games that aren’t nationally televised, but he also finds ways to blow all that good will he accrues in hilarious fashion.

12. Kyler Murray (2021 Stats: 3787 Yards, 69.2% completion%, 24 TDs, 10 INTs)

Kyler and the Cardinals are the inverse sour patch kids. First half or so of the season – things are going sweet. Kyler is showing that he belongs in the MVP conversation, Kliff looks like the genius he was marketed as, Cardinals are poised for a deep playoff run. Then comes the sour. Kyler starts forcing things, the ball is being turned over more often, Kliff’s play-calling falls off a cliff and into an incinerator. Then they’re gone, missing the playoffs or getting embarrassed in round one. Should Kyler put together a whole NFL season – he could find himself in the 7-5 range of quarterbacks and winning an MVP. If not, hopefully the Oakland A’s are keeping a spot warm for him.

11. Russel Wilson (2021 Stats: 3113 Yards, 64.8% completion%, 25 TDs, 6 INTs)

There were moments this past season that I said to myself that Russ was cooked, not cooking. *tomato.gif*. Ultimately he made the pro bowl (not that that means anything) and the Seahawks ultimately decided to move on from Russ. But, he gets a fresh start in Denver. It remains to be seen if this experiment will ultimately work out, but I think he still has enough in the tank to keep the Broncos competitive in the murderers row that is the AFC West. Broncos country, lets ride.

10-6 Fantastic to fringe elite tier

10. Lamar Jackson (2021 Stats: 2882 Yards, 64.4% completion%, 16 TDs, 13 INTs)

Lamar Jackson is not a great thrower. Lamar Jackson probably will never be a great thrower. You’d think as a QB, that would be a problem. And it would be, for everyone not named Lamar Jackson. He’s such an elite athlete and has such good awareness on the field, it helps cover a lot of his issues. You add in his football IQ, his leadership, and his tenacity, you see why he’s a former MVP and will once again be leading the Ravens to a playoff spot. Losing Hollywood Brown wont hurt as much as many will think – Bateman, Duvernay, and Proche will be a very good corps, and Andrews is still an elite TE.

9. Derek Carr (2021 Stats: 4804 Yards, 68.4% completion%, 23 TDs, 14 INTs)

All this eyeliner wearing oversized goth kid-turned Jesus freak needs to do is not turn the ball over. He added his former teammate and best wide receiver in the league and gained what he hopes to be stability at coach in McDaniels (don’t hold your breath). Carr will put up the numbers, but can he lead the raiders to a playoff berth?

8. Joe Burrow (2021 Stats: 4611 Yards, 70.4% completion%, 34 TDs, 14 INTs)

In his first full healthy season Burrow led the league in completion percentage, threw for 4600 yards, and led his squad to a super bowl. Many described him as a game manager coming into last season, and he blew the detractors away. Joey B is one of the coolest players the game has ever seen and could finish the season in the top 5 this year. Expect the Bengals to remain competitive as long as Burrow is their signal caller.

7. Justin Herbert (2021 Stats: 5014 Yards, 65.9% completion%, 38 TDs, 15 INTs)

Just an absolute stud in every sense of the word. One of the most talented passers in the league already, Herbert needs to prove that he can lead a team to sustained success – and a playoff berth – in order to show he belongs among the elite.

6. Dak Prescott (2021 Stats: 4449 Yards, 68.8% completion%, 37 TDs, 10 INTs)

I have a buddy who is a staunch Kirk and Dak defender. Does he just like lame QBs? Maybe, but then he would also love Russ. Does he have a point that they are both really good QBs? I hate to admit it: but he is. Dak is a fantastic QB and it’s a god damn shame he’s being wasted first by Jason Garrett and now Mike McCarthy. Expect him to light it up again this season and be in the MVP conversation.

5-1 God Tier.

5. Matt Stafford (2021 Stats: 4886 Yards, 67.2% completion%, 41 TDs, 17 INTs)

Stafford still has his issues, turnovers namely. But, this Rams team is talented enough to not only cover up these issues, but take Stafford’s strengths and amplify them. He finally escaped Detroit and immediately won a Super Bowl. There an alternate universe where Matt and Megatron end up as teammates on a competent franchise and win numerous Super Bowls together.

4. Aaron Rodgers (2021 Stats: 4115 Yards, 68.9% completion%, 37 TDs, 4 INTs)

I might be trying too hard to be an anti-homer with this ranking. Maybe I’m still bitter with Rodgers for choking away yet another great season. Regardless he’s the reigning MVP, one of the most talented players to ever take a snap in the NFL, and he will lead the Packers to 13 wins and an NFC North title with his eyes closed.

3. Patrick Mahomes (2021 Stats: 4839 Yards, 66.3% completion%, 37 TDs, 13 INTs)

Patrick Mahomes looked human at times last season. Patrick Mahomes is still one of the greatest QB talents ever already. He will be great again this year, but teams showed last year that he is fallible. I think he bounces back with another MVP-type season.

2. Josh Allen (2021 Stats: 4407 Yards, 63.3% completion%, 36 TDs, 15 INTs)

Josh Allen rocks. He’s got a cannon, he seems to be a nice enough guy off the field, his teammates love him, he’s hurdling defenders. He will also be the 2022 MVP and the Bills will once again find themselves deep in the playoffs. He’s that good.

1. Tom Brady (2021 Stats: 5316 Yards, 67.5% completion%, 43 TDs, 12 INTs)

He retired for all of 17 seconds just to come back and hang dong in Father Time’s face yet again. He is no less than 87% silicone at this point in his life and should be investigated for selling his soul to the dark lord. He’s going to win another super bowl, isn’t he.

I think I’m going to do a mid season and end of season rankings, but until then: Im sure you will want to tell me what an idiot I am, and you should! I am wrong! Direct any and all complaints to @cscottpower, but make sure to follow me too.