NFL Realignment

This is a bad time for the sports world. Aside from the NFL draft and The Last Dance, sports fans have not had a lot to look forward to, and with the possibility of the actual NFL season being delayed or even cancelled, it is only getting worse. However, given the hiatus, this could provide a great opportunity to reevaluate the league and make some changes. With an extended season and expanded playoffs already being approved, why not shake it up a little more? I propose it is time for a division realignment. In 2002, the NFL made its first, much needed, division realignment since the modern NFL was formed. This was undoubtedly an improvement from the system that had the Tampa Bay Buccaneers in the same conference as the Detroit Lions, Green Bay Packers, Minnesota Vikings, and Chicago Bears, but there are still some improvements to be made. Why are the Miami Dolphins in a conference with the New England Patriots, New York Jets, and Buffalo Bills? The NFL needs to finally have someone with any common sense in their C-suite. This is my application to be that person.

I see multiple realignment scenarios that make more sense than our current system and will be proposing each one in their own write-up. To begin with, we’ll start with a more common one: Mascots. Plenty of graphics and articles have been created that highlight or mention the themes in NFL mascots, but I believe none yet have captured the best possible organization of said mascots. Below you’ll find that best possible organization.

Bird Division: In a sport where the aerial attack is critical to success, it is no surprise that multiple franchises opted for a winged mascot. Some chose threatening and cool birds; some chose the cardinal. Whichever avian is your favorite, you can expect some impressive passing games from each of these teams.

Cardinals: Cardinals are red birds and that’s pretty much it. Being placed in a division with the reigning MVP and two teams who have been to the Super Bowl in the past five years, they’ll have to stand taller than 5’8” – which is what Kyler Murray’s height is, maximum, despite what Google tries to tell you.

Ravens: Here is a poem. Enjoy.

Once upon a Sunday night, while the Baltimore air was just right,

Over many a run/pass option heavy book of forgotten plays–

while he nodded, understanding, suddenly there came a reprimanding,

As of someone loudly gabbing, blabbing at the locker room door–

“Tis’ a hater”, he muttered, “blabbing at the locker door-

Only this, and nothing more”.

Then another hater, a norm dissenter, begins to speak on SportsCenter,

With no respect and no decorum of the claims he made, “Though his throws in college were strong and quick,” he said, “the pros are a clear uptick.

In the League, he should convert to not be a passer–

Tell me what, other than RB, in the NFL he could even be!”

Quoth Lamar, “M. V. P.”

Falcons: Their mascot is a pretty dope bird. The logo also makes an “F” with the bird, isn’t that cool?

Eagles: I would be more afraid of an eagle than a cardinal. Leaving behind a weak NFC East, the Eagles won’t have room to drop the ball in this tough division.

Wild West Division: Today, there is nothing more American than football. In the 1800s, it was all about railroads, horses, and little houses on the prairie. This division is the clear embodiment of that.

Kansas City Chiefs: There’s no doubt that in the Wild West, the Chiefs are the guys who will make the piano player stop playing when they walk in the saloon. Plus, they’re used to a shootout, making them perfect for the Wild West.

Dallas Cowboys: The Cowboys are known as America’s Team, which I have always found strange. However, they do think they’re the greatest thing on Earth, while everyone else is like “yikes, something gross is going on over there and I don’t want anything to do with it”, so I’d say the comparison to America is fair.

Washington R-words: The team that now plays in Washington began in Boston under the name the Braves. After just a year of that name, someone in the organization walked into a meeting and said, “what if we made it racist?”. After 1830, the West was the only place they were allowed.

Buffalo Bills: Sorry Buffalo fans, as soon as you were free from Brady, I am proposing you have to endure a decade of Mahomes. Maybe you should have won one of those four Super Bowls when you had the chance.

Big Cat Division: This is a common division in the mascot realignment proposals and for good reason. There are four big cat teams in the NFL, they all make sense, and they are historically the greatest and most successful franchises the NFL has ever seen. (Note: Big Cat Power Rankings are based on how cool the actual cat is in nature, not the talent of the NFL team)

Detroit Lions: One of the oldest teams in the NFL, the Lions have contributed to plenty of league history, but perhaps nothing more important than the conscious decision to go 0-16 in 2008. Big Cat Power Ranking: #1

Cincinnati Bengals: After formerly leading the league in QBWHCMTC (Quarterbacks Whose Hair Color Matches Team Colors), the Bengals have moved on and added potentially the most exciting college player in recent history. Big Cat Power Ranking: #4

Carolina Panthers: Like the Bengals, the Panthers will be moving on from a former franchise QB. They’re hoping the new guy will be willing to jump on a ball he just fumbled in order to *checks notes* win the biggest event of his career and be remembered as a legend for his team. The Panthers could be a team to watch If Bridgewater can truly pounce on the opportunity. Big Cat Power Ranking: #3

Jacksonville Jaguars: The only thing this division was missing was a mustache and some jean shorts. Now it has it. Big Cat Power Ranking: #2

Ocean Division:

Seattle Seahawks: Seahawks could be in the bird division, but technically seahawks aren’t real. However, they have “sea” in the name (twice!) and that’s good enough for me.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Another twofer with the location being water based as well as the mascot, this division is killing it already.

Minnesota Vikings: Minnesota would not be my first pick for a naval outpost, but the Viking (supposedly) found their way to the Land of 10,000 Lakes, and thus the Ocean theme fits.

Las Vegas Raiders: I have an irrational hatred for the team name “Raiders”, it got even worse when they moved to Las Vegas. I don’t know why; I just hate it.

Jobs No One Wants: This is where we start getting creative, folks. After knocking out the obvious mascots, I had to find the more nuanced themes of NFL teams. The first theme that stood out to me were the teams named something miserable.

Pittsburgh Steelers: I don’t want to be a “steeler”, I don’t know anyone that does. Sorry, Middle America, I refuse to pander for your vote.

Green Bay Packers: The Packers were literally named after a meat packing company. Football is supposed to be people’s escape from their jobs and bosses, not reminders of it. It’s not even an interesting company either. If you want to pack meat all day, you and I are not the same. 0/10.

San Francisco 49ers: To be fair, finding gold would be pretty cool, but not in modern day San Francisco. Plus, Gold Rush on the Discovery Channel makes it look like the job is hell to actually do.

New Orleans Saints: Different denominations can’t even agree on what a saint is. Identity crises? No thanks.

Things That Would Be Cool to Ride, But You Probably Can’t: Animals are an obvious theme to NFL mascots, but after birds and cats, most people have trouble separating the rest of them into logical groups. I am not most people. The distinction was clear to me immediately. This division is all about the way we wish things were.

Los Angeles Rams: Rams just hang out and ram into stuff. That’s baller. Unfortunately, if you tried to ride them while they rammed stuff, you would probably get hurt. Best to just enjoy the horned majesties from afar.

Chicago Bears: Bears are definitely high on the list of coolest animals to ride into battle, but I don’t ride into a lot of battles and a bear probably wouldn’t be very cool with it.

Miami Dolphins: If you can ride a dolphin, hit me up.

Denver Broncos: “Broncos? Aren’t those horses? I could ride those.” You fool. You stupid fool.

Things That You Can Maybe Ride: On some of these, the jury is out on whether it’s a viable riding candidate. It could be based on size, talent, or maybe just whether or not you’re packing big, meaty knockers or not. Whatever it is, these NFL mascots come with a designation of definitely possible.

Indianapolis Colts: When was the last time you thought about the fact that Indianapolis named their team after specifically young horses. Kind of weird, right? Anyway, if you were light enough you could ride one.

Houston Texans: You can try to ride a Texan, I guess, but this is based on their mascot in this case, which is a bull. You probably could not ride one, but if this wasn’t your first rodeo then you might be able to hang on for a little bit.

New York Jets: This is the most galaxy-brain decision I made. It’s utter genius. You can ride in a jet, easy.

Los Angeles Chargers: The actual Charges mascot is a bolt, and it is utterly hideous. However, the team has used a logo that included horses, so I’m cheating a little bit. Sue me. The fact is that you can ride a regular old horse as long as you’re not obese.

Based on People-ish: From actual people to a type of person to humanoid, this division has it all. It is the real ragtag division of the mascot-realigned NFL, but it would for sure be an interesting one.

New England Patriots: Patriots are just people that love their country, god damnit. Nothing flashy, maybe cheat the system every now and then, commit a few murders, but they love their country.

New York Giants: The Giants are named that because the Giants in baseball were popular and the owner wanted those fans to be fans of the football team too. Dead serious. The baseball Giants were actually representative of the large buildings in New York. Luckily for me, everyone will agree that’s dumb, and giants are actually the really big humans that say “Fee Fi Fo Fum”.

Tennessee Titans: The Titans don’t play up their mythological origins nearly enough. It honestly could be one of the coolest names/designs and they do nothing with it. Shame.

Cleveland Browns: The Browns named themselves after a regular dude whose name just so happens to be the worst color. They deserve the suffering they have.

Grouping NFL teams by their mascots creates obvious, immediate rivalries. Which big cat is the true king? Who really rules the high seas? Which thing could you maybe ride the most? Further than that, though, this realignment conveniently brings about deeper rivalries. Take the Based on People-ish division. You have the juggernaut of the past two decades matching up against the team that broke their hearts in the Super Bowl twice. How about the longest running playoff win draught duking it out with the second longest such draught in the Big Cat division? Fans all around the league have gotten sick and tired of the NFL due to horrible officiating concussions and other severe injuries violent player actions off the field a man peacefully protesting systematic injustices, and this realignment would reinvigorate the energy fans once had.

Written by contributor Nick Schramm @GodSchrammit