A Definitive Ranking of Superpowers

Essentially Useless

20. Death Touch (Wither) - The most useless superpower unless you want to be a serial killer. Even then you have to touch someone in order for it to work. Forget about getting laid, a family, children. It’s like the cheese touch in Diary of a Wimpy kid except you can’t pass it on to someone else.

19. Breathe Underwater (Aquaman, Namor) – For the man who is holding a fish in his tinder profile pictures. Breathing underwater on its own is ultimately useless, with the exception being one less way you can die. Not much else to say, this power sucks.

18. Super Hearing (Superman, Spider-Man) - Eavesdropping. That’s it. That’s the power. Super-eavesdropping. You also probably hear a lot of things you don’t want to. Imagine sharing a wall with your parents with super hearing. Those are the kind of wounds that never heal.

17. Self-Replication (Multiple Man) – For the ultimate narcissist. Now when a girl tells you to go f*ck yourself, you really can. This would be a great therapeutic power because next time you black out and make a fool of yourself you can kick your own ass.

Can Come in Handy

16. X-Ray Vision (Superman, Hyperion) - Donald Trump at a Miss Teen USA pageants favorite superpower.

15. Communicate with Animals (Aquaman, Animal Man) – Horse Girls, Furries, Pony Play-ers, and Bronies everywhere rejoice. No longer are the days of pretending to be or talk to animals. Live out your weirdest fantasies for real instead of role playing with Jason from Craigslist.

14. Invisibility (Martian Manhunter, Miles Morales) - Only 15 year old high school boys that want to see the inside of the girls locker room would want invisibility as their superpower.

13. Elasticity (Elastigirl, Mr.Fantastic) – Not much to say except Elastigirl is thiccc.

Should be World Changing but People are Selfish

12. Healing (Elixer, Triage) – What would nursing students complain about if someone could do their job with a touch of their finger? They would have to develop personalities, or worse, learn to have fun.

11. Weather Control (Storm) – Could be used to end droughts, fix climate change, and cure world hunger. Would probably be used to get better lighting for Instagram photos or make it rain over your ex’s head constantly.

The Everyman’s Powers

10. Flight (Falcon, Captain Marvel) – This is the “live laugh love” wall art of superpowers. Incredibly basic.

9. Super Strength (Hulk, Thor) – Who needs steroids? Gives you all the strength, none of the rage, backne, or shrunken balls. Brads and Chads would have to start posting pictures from a library or Chipotle.

Actually Pretty Useful

8. Mind Control (Professor X, Gorilla Grodd) – Manipulative boyfriends everywhere do this to their girlfriends on a regular basis.

7. Size Shifting (Ant-Man, Goliath) - For guys and gals who exude little dick energy, here is a way to overcompensate. Scrap your 2004 jacked up Ford F-150’s with the balls dangling from the bumper. Here is a great way to let everyone know just how insecure you are, make yourself massive!

6. Telepathy (Emma Frost, Rachel Summers) – Like super hearing, but for your mind! Ever wonder if your parents truly love you? If your girlfriend is cheating on you? The last time your roommate violently jerked off to current pictures of Betty White? If your neighbor thinks that Hitler had a point? Well with telepathy you really don’t have a choice.

5. Super Speed (The Flash, Quicksilver) – Super speed is basically just being on Adderall all the time. You would probably finish your homework for the next month because you are bored. You also would probably pee every 4 and a half minutes.

The Best

4. Teleportation (Nightcrawler, Magik) – Save on travel costs forever. Instead of a trip from Chicago to California taking 13 hours with two connecting flights stuck in between a mouth breather and close talker, you could just poof yourself there in seconds.

3. Intangibility (Martian Manhunter, Kitty Pryde) – The perfect incel superpower. No one wants to touch you? Claim that it is because of your intangibility! No one can actively not f*ck what they can’t touch. Incel no more!

2. Shapeshifting (Beast Boy, Mystique) - I’d never be myself again. I’d be Ant-Man in the next Avengers movie. I would put on the world’s greatest one man show. I’d post a nude selfie as George Bush. I’d wake up as Jamie Lee Curtis and have wacky adventures with Lindsay Lohan. Shit, that’s Freaky Friday. You get the point.

1. Telekinesis (Hellion, Jean Grey) – You’re a goddamn liar if you say you have never pretended to have telekinesis to open the grocery store doors. Imagine being able to get a beer from the fridge and never having to move a muscle. Throw the tennis ball for your dog with your mind. Jerk off with your hands above your head. The possibilities are endless.