Sunday Scaries Cinema

Welcome to the Sunday Scaries Cinema, the first of what will hopefully be a weekly article recapping the movies I watched that week, my scores on them, as well as some burning questions and random thoughts I may have. In an attempt to watch movies that may be outside of my comfort zone I have been utilizing movierankings.net and their random movie generator (shoutout to Jeff D. Lowe). So, there will be no rhyme or reason to the movies I watch in a particular week though I will attempt to see new movies as they come out. Full disclosure, I am not an expert in cinema. I have not gone to film school. I am not even smart. I just love movies and love talking about them so if I don’t put my thoughts out into the void my smooth brain will never shut up and I’ll be up until three in the morning thinking about how dumb the ending to White Bird in a Blizzard was. There will be spoiler warnings before any remarks that may stray into that territory because those who spoil deserve to never be able to find parking for the rest of their life.

This week was hopefully an outlier in terms of how many movies I watched. I spent just an ungodly amount of time on the couch and I guess that happens when you’re both unemployed and living in a new city. This many movies will not be the norm going forward (dear god I hope not) but I will try to keep up with watching a healthy number. With that being said, thank you for even clicking on this article and I hope you enjoy the first Sunday Scaries Cinema.

This week I watched eighteen (18!!!!) movies. Like I said, just an absurd amount. I don’t know how my eyes haven’t rotted out of the back of my head. There were some great movies that I really enjoyed and some of the dumber movies I’ve ever watched, and only one rewatch. I am a serial re-watcher, something that comes with my crippling anxiety. A new movie that’s critically acclaimed and everyone and their mom is telling me I should watch? Nah, no thanks! I’ll just go fuck myself and watch 17 Again for the 32nd time because I know exactly what’s going to happen. No stress. Chandler Bing will become Zac Efron and his daughter will try to bang him. See, fun for the whole family. Now on to the movies!

• The Terminator: Yes this was my first time seeing The Terminator, did you not read the previous paragraph? I knew that I would love these movies. The action. The cheese. Arnold hanging dong in his first scene. I am very aware of the impact that movies like this have on the zeitgeist and so moments like “I’ll be back” or “Come with me if you want to live” don’t hit as hard as they otherwise would, because I was anticipating them. Still, Linda Hamilton is a bad ass, Arnold is a hunk, and James Cameron is one of the greatest minds of our time. (90/100)

• Batman Returns: I had seen these Batman movies before as a kid but for all intents and purposes I did not remember most of it, so this was like a first time watch for me. Tim Burton returned to Gotham with an even more outlandish take on the world than before, but did not have Jack Nicholson’s Joker this time around to truly sell it. Michael Keaton was (is?) a great Bruce Wayne but a bad Batman, and the suit, while iconic, did not age well. I mean the guy can’t even move his neck for Christ sake. Michelle Pfeiffer and Danny Devito are both bizarre and irritating throughout the entire movie. The plot (if you can even call it that) is thin at best, the writing is painful at points, and the Penguin is just absolutely disgusting to look at. But! Christopher Walken was one of the bright spots showing off great comedic timing while buying into this batshit insane story. It is fun at times, and Burton’s Batman just has a charm to it, saving this from being a bad movie. (68/100)

• Life (2015): Hollllyyyyy Shit did it take almost a third of the movie for me to buy into Dane DeHaan as James fucking Dean. If you showed this film to someone who didn’t know who he was supposed to be playing, they would have absolutely not a clue in the world. I mean it was bizarre, but for the most part I eventually got used to it. Once you buy in, the movie itself is pretty solid! Robert Pattinson is just so great and I’m so happy that post-Twilight he is being recognized as someone who is incredibly talented. (79/100)

• The Amazing Spider-Man: I love Spider-Man. He is my favorite superhero and for that reason I was always afraid to watch the Amazing Spider-Man films because of what people had told me about them. But I’ll be damned because this movie was so much fun! It’s another origin story but it felt fresh and different from that of Raimi’s Spider-Man. Emma Stone was a delight, Sally Field played Aunt May perfectly, hell even Denis Leary did a good job as George Stacy! The film was concise, the Spider-Man scenes felt like they were right out of a comic book, Flash Thompson was even given some character development and growth. That being said, Andrew Garfield is not a good Peter Parker. Just, so, so bad. Incredible in the suit, he captures Spider-Man’s quipping in a way the previous Spider-Man could have only dreamed. But outside of it, he is an angsty weirdo who doesn’t reflect Peter at all. (85/100)

• The Highwaymen: There isn’t much to say about this one. It’s utterly boring. They turned what in theory is an interesting story about the two Texas Rangers who took down Bonnie and Clyde, and made it a snooze fest. Even Woody Harrelson, one of my favorite actors and someone who steals every scene he’s ever been in was lifeless. (40/100)

• Paris, Texas: One of the most beautiful films I’ve ever seen. It explores what it means to be family, forgiveness, and the duality of human beings. It shows that nothing in this world is black and white, and its never too late to make amends. (91/100)

Fuckin nerd ass bitch

• To The Bone: This movie features one of the most irritating movie characters I’ve ever witnessed. Alex Sharp plays Luke, a bizarro world Augustus Waters with anorexia. He is grating, annoying, and oft toeing the creepy line. Every time he was on screen (which is a LOT) I was angry. He sucked so much ass. This had the potential to be a powerful coming of age film that would stick with audiences long after the credits rolled. It did not live up to that promise, relying heavily on tired tropes and clichés. Lily Collins does a fine job. Keanu Reeves is there. (65/100)

• The Strangers (SPOILERS): Can’t talk about this one without spoilers, you have been warned… I can’t stand Liv Tyler so I knew I was in for it when I realized she was starring in a fucking horror film. This is just an hour and a half of her alternating between whispering or screaming, while people in masks play pranks on her and her boyfriend. Good for the director for trying to tell a new home invasion story where the crux isn’t some big secret reveal, the killers don’t take off their masks and explain that they’re attacking them because of some personal connection to the protagonists. They got picked at random, simply because they were home. Violence is random, the world is a scary place, fucked up shit happens and then you die. Cool, I’m with that. BUT YOU UNDO A LOT OF THAT WHEN YOU HAVE FUCKING LIV TYLER SOMEHOW LIVE AT THE END. WHAT A BUNCH OF BULLSHIT. FUCK THIS DUMB MOVIE AND FUCK LIV TYLER. (32/100)

• Phone Booth: I had seen bits and pieces of this one over the years, it gives me big TBS on Sunday afternoon vibes so I’m sure my dad has had it on and I’ve half paid attention. It’s a really cool premise on the surface. Guy receives call in a phone booth, mystery man says he has gun trained on him, chaos ensues. Great. But after the big reveal of what this guy had done that was so bad that it warrants him dying over is that he flirted with a woman while he was married, the entire movie feels like it was written by a guy who caught his wife chatting online with some other dude, and this was his therapy. It’s dumb. No one should care about someone else’s life that much. Colin Ferrell plays a great douche bag and does a really good job in this, saving it from being a complete dumpster fire. Keifer Sutherland’s voice sounds so fucking cool too. I wont even intentionally rewatch this, but if its on and I’m too hungover to reach for the remote, it wouldn’t be the end of the world. (50/100)

• Horrible Bosses: One of my favorite comedies of all time, some of the best banter between stars, a great cast, just an awesome movie. I got incredibly high and watched it, laughed my ass off, 10/10 great time. (85/100)

• The Bank Job: A movie that couldn’t get out of its own way and insisted on over-complicating its plot. Jason Statham is okay, the rest of the cast ranges from bad to forgettable. There are much better heist movies out there, but there are also a lot worse. (45/100)

• The Hangover Part 2 (Spoilers, I guess?): The Hangover was such a cultural phenomenon that you often forget there are two sequels to it, and that they aren’t very good either. The replay the hits: Tthey lose someone and they were right under their nose the whole time. Alan drugs them. Stu sings a song. Bradley Cooper is Bradley Cooper. Ken Jeong shows he’s penis. Rehash. Rehash. Rehash. There were a few moments I laughed out loud, but otherwise a pretty bland comedy and a sequel that did not need to be made. (57/100)

• Sweet Virginia: Jon Berenthal can do no wrong in my eyes. He deserves to be a leading man and I genuinely hope Marvel brings him back as the Punisher. Christopher Abbott played a psycho perfectly, even scaring me a little. Imogen Poots is severely underused and the ending leaves a lot to be desired, but it’s a solid movie worth a watch. (74/100)

• Midnight Special: One of my favorite sci-fi films I’ve seen in a long time, we are dropped right into the middle of the story with no inkling of what’s going on other than a two men and a boy are on the run. The story that unfolds is gut wrenching and beautiful. Little Jaeden Martell is fucking adorable and Michael Shannon just rocks in everything. The cast is packed with Kirsten Dunst, Joel Edgerton, and Adam Driver rounding it out. Going into this movie blind with no idea what it was about was the best decision I could have made and I highly recommend you do the same. (86/100)

• Terminator 2: Judgement Day: I now know why this is regarded as one of if not the greatest action movie of all time. Just a masterpiece of film making and something that holds up through the test of time. As much as I hate Avatar and the fact that Jimmy Cameron is doing 17 sequels to it, I’m going to give them a chance solely based on these films. Absolutely incredible. (95/100)

What a horrible character/acting/writing

• White Bird in a Blizzard (Spoilers): FUCK this movie. It sucked so much ass. Eva Green is god awful. Thomas Jane is bad. Angela Bassett is… in the movie. A young Shailene Woodley does her damndest to hold this train wreck together and does a very good job but her performance is a drop of holy water in a bucket of shit. The forced metaphors are pretentious. The writing is laughable. The performances are bad. No ones actions or motivations make a lick of sense. The reveal at the end is so rushed and bizarre that I audibly laughed to myself. Just a disaster of a movie. (29/100)

• Rampage: Not a ton to say here, it’s the Rock and giant monsters. You get what you pay for. Joe Manganiello and Jeffrey Dean Morgan deserve to be in every movie. They’re both great. (52/100)

• It Comes At Night (SPOILERS): A post-apocalyptic story about a man trying to keep his family alive and safe from… whatever it is that’s making people sick. We are never explained what happened or how the world ended up the way it has, but all we do know is you don’t go out at night without a mask and gloves, much like we live every day now. This was my second movie of the week with Joel Edgerton and my second with Christopher Abbott and they both do a very good job in this. The story is riddled with symbolism and vague statements that are meant to be open to interpretation. The red door; is it the partition between life and death? The dreams that Travis was having; a sign of things to come or a symptom of him already falling ill? Why do we fight so hard against death knowing that it is inevitable? Joel Edgerton’s Paul goes as far as to kill a woman and her young son in an attempt to keep his family safe. But we are lead to believe that it was all for nought and it ends on them waiting for death just like everyone else. It is a movie that will mean something different to everyone and one that you will get something different from on each rewatch. (84/100)

Favorite Movie: My favorite movie of the week was Midnight Special

Least Favorite Movie: My least favorite movie of the week (as you could guess) was White Bird in a Blizzard.

This Weeks Suggestion: Burning (2018) – A South Korean psychological thriller film based on a collection of short stories. It was nominated for best foreign film at the Oscars and it is absolutely incredible. Steven Yeun co-stars along with Yoo Ah-in and Jeon Jon-seo. You can stream it on Hulu, Amazon Prime, or Tubi. (92/100)

For next week I’d love you guys to tweet at me or send me your burning questions regarding movies! They can be serious, they can be funny, they can be bizarre. As long as they are tangentially related to movies in some way I will answer them the best I can. Again, I really appreciate if you stuck around and read this, and I hope to be bringing a lot more content soon! I would also love any and all feedback on how I can make this better, what else you would want to see, etc. thank you again for reading!