5 years of sobriety from alcohol. I wear that sobriety on my sleeve every single day. Some days it’s a badge of honor, my proudest accomplishment. Others a scarlet letter, a reminder of my biggest shame. But I wear it. Day in and day out for 5 whole years now I have never shied away from it, even on the bad days. But the bad days sober are better than the alternative because I can look myself in the eye.

Sobriety is very hard at times, especially in social situations where everyone else is drinking. I feel like I’m missing out on a shared experience, and dealing with drunk people makes me feel for all the friends who had to deal with me. There are days I want nothing more than to have a drink or 10. I miss sitting down to watch a game and cracking a beer or the camaraderie of doing a round of shots. I miss airport beers and shower beers and drinking on the boat. Boy do I miss drinking sometimes. But no matter how overwhelming the urge to drink it will not be strong enough for me to overcome. It’s okay to miss it. It’s not okay to let it win.

My life is unrecognizable from the day my friends sat me down for an intervention (they even coordinated on what baked goods to bring). I was living in Manhattan broke, without a steady job, and actively burning my life down. Today I am back in Wisconsin with a solid job, a perfect dog, and the most incredible fiancée. I am the luckiest guy in the world to have what I do but I wouldn’t be here without incredible friends who cared enough about me to look me in the eye and tell me they hated who I was when I drank and that they want to be in my life but they can’t do so if I continue to drink. It was a wakeup call and exactly what I finally needed to hear. I wanted to get sober for them and our friendships, but most importantly I wanted to do it for myself. Since then they have been rock solid. I also wouldn’t be here without the support of my family. They have never made me feel ashamed. They keep non-alcoholic beer stocked. They rock. And finally, I wouldn’t be 5 years sober if I didn’t have the love and support of an incredible woman who I love more than life. She picks me up when I fall, she loves without judgement, she makes me want to be a better person for her because she is wonderful.

I can say until I’m blue in the face that I’m not the same person I was 5 years ago or that the person I was when I was drinking wasn’t me. But it doesn’t matter how true it is or how much I mean it. I knew I was playing Russian roulette with my behavior every single time I drank and I continued to choose to do so. I lost nearly every friend, relationships that I had cultivated and cared about for years. People I loved. Burned so many bridges. I hurt people. To those people: I am sorry my drinking cost us our relationship and more importantly I am so sorry I hurt you. I would take back every sip of alcohol I’ve had if I could. What matters now are my actions and proving to myself and the world around me that I am more than my worst nights.

When I think back on the last five years, I am faced with the same questions over and over: How far have I really come? How can I make amends for the hurt I caused while drinking? Can I ever truly forgive myself? I beat myself senseless trying to come up with definitive answers knowing that I won’t have any until I stop asking the questions. I have made it so much further than I thought possible - through trial and error (and a few years of therapy!). I can’t take back the things I did or said while drunk, but I can be damn sure that they never happen again. I have forgiven myself enough to accept love from a brilliant shining star of a woman. That is enough for now. The rest will come. All I can do every single day is make the choice not to drink alcohol and be better than I was yesterday. Here’s to five more!